Living With Loss
by Pendragon2501
Summary: The story of a bereaved Kagome dealing with the loss of her husband, Sesshomaru, and their unborn child.


** Finding Life After Death**

_"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."_

Norman Cousins

_ I can't believe I'm still doing this, _Kagome chastised herself as she slid the VHS tape into her hand-me-down videotape player. _Just one more time, this is the last time,_ she chorused over in her head, sinking down into her worn couch and pushing play on the old, beaten-up controller. The static screen flashed bright blue and the word PLAY blinked in the upper corner, Kagome slid her knees up under the chin, regretfully welcoming the coming pain.

And there he was. The tears didn't come so fast this time. She actually took in his slightly unsure expression as he stepped away from the camera before the warm drops began to slide down her cheeks. Confident that the film was rolling, he looked back over her shoulder at his wife, sitting there on the same couch she was now. His lip cracked up slightly on the side. Kagome let out a choking sob. He might as well have been beaming.

"Got it?" She asked lightly, smiling back at him. He gave a slight nod as he settled down next to her.

"Go on, Sesshomaru, give her a big one!" Miroku laughed, tipping into view with Sango on his arm. She laughed up at him, trying to slyly take the beer out of his hand. "Go on!" He laughed again, bumping his shin in the little coffee table.

Sesshomaru didn't take his eyes off her. He still had that little quirked almost-smile on, leaning against her and putting a soft kiss against her lips.

Kagome raised her hand to her lips, watching the screen, as if she could still feel the phantom kiss.

He eased away then, biting down ever-so-slightly on his lip and letting out a little sigh. He slid his hand over her stomach. Looking down at her stomach his smile stretched just a fraction wider. "Three more weeks." That's when her hand found his there. Contently, he looked back up at her.

"Hey, so what movie are we watching tonight?" Inuyasha asked, walking into view, shoveling some kind of crunchy food into his mouth.

Miroku turned to him and smiled dimly, "I've got a few down in the ca-"

"No!" Everyone yelled in synch.

"Inuyasha," Kagome said, patting her husband's hand and looking up at his half-brother. "We aren't watching a movie, we're making one."

Inuyasha blanched, pausing in mid-chew. "Why?" He said finally.

"For the child," Sesshomaru returned mildly, sharing one quick look at his brother and then looking back at his wife.

"For the kid?" Inuyasha swallowed his mouthful and turned to the camera. "That's so stupid."

"It is not stupid," Sesshomaru retorted.

"It was my idea, Inuyasha. It'll be nice, you know, for memories." She looked over at the camera and raised her hand, waving softly.

Inuyasha looked back at her and asked, "What should I do?"

"Tell her something," Kagome smiled and then froze, clapping her hand over her face.

"It's a girl!" Sango shrieked, jumping out from under Miroku's arm.

Suddenly, Shippo ran into the room, ruffling his carrot-top. "Huh, what did I miss?"

"It's a girl! It's a girl!"

"You asked the doctor?" Inuyasha asked, brimming widely.

"during the ultrasound today," supplied Sesshomaru.

"It's a girl?!" Rin yelled, running in after Shippo and clutching onto Sango who nodded swiftly. "Sweet!" Rin cheered, turning back to Shippo. "It's a girl!"

He smiled back. "Got that, thanks."

"WHOO-HOO!" Miroku shouted, raising his beer can.

Sango shook her head began to push him, looking over at the camera. "He's a terrible influence." She laughed.

Once off-screen, Miroku yelled, "I love you, baby!"

Inuyasha began to follow them. "Which one," he asked, pointing from Sango to Kagome's stomach.

"Both!" He yelled louder, shoving his head back into camera-view.

Sango popped hers in a well," Sorry about this," she said as she tugged on Miroku. Rin and Shippo joined her in her struggle to pull Miroku away. Inuyasha took slow steps after them, his arms crossed over his chest. Kagome's eyes wandered away from her goofy friends and back to her husband. Sesshomaru's eyes drifted as well.

_Oh, God..._ Kagome wiped at the watery film closing across her eyes.

Together they stood to grab the camera and join everyone in the parade out of the room. After he helped her up from the couch, Sesshomaru didn't let go of her hands. She tugged at her hands for a second and then looked up at him. He did his Mona Lisa smile again and mouthed thee perfect little words.

The word STOP blinked at the corner of a bright blue screen.

Kagome dropped the remote, with bounced of the edged of the seat cusion and rattled to the floor. She tugged her legs closer to herself, trying to close back up the free flowing hole that had formed in her chest. _That was a mistake,_ She thought as the well of tears finally began to stop. She collapsed into the cushions, tugging a throw pillow to herself. At one point she thought she heard the phone ring. She didn't even try to get up to answer if, her legs felt heavier than lead. Once, her hand drifted down to her flat stomach under the pillow, the cries returning when she thought of the life that had been inside her.

A rapping knock came at the door. _Please, no. _She pushed from the couch with an effort. He arms felt numb and her head buzzed loudly. Through the static she heard the door open from the hall and keys hit down on the entry table._ Please, go away..._

Lights flashed on above her, "Oh, Kagome." A gently voice cooed. Kagome felt them settle beside her and warm arms closed around her. "Kagome..." Sango just said her name, holding Kagome in her arms and rocking her gently. "Poor, poor, Kagome."

After countless minutes, Kagome opened her eyes and looked at her friend. "I'm sorry, Sango," she rasped slightly, sniffling.

"Kagome, you have to stop doing this." Sango said as she brushed a hand through Kagome's hair. "Please, Kagome, It's been seven months. This isn't good."

Kagome shook in her arms, new tears running on her face.

"You've got to get out of this place. We had plans tonight, remember?" Sango asked, squeezing her friend. "Dinner and a movie? Rin's driving back from college just for this. She'll be here in less than an hour."

Kagome looked up at her through swollen eyes. "I can't do this, Sango."

"No!" Sango yelled, gripping Kagome's forearms. "Yes, you can! You can make it through this!"

"It's too hard, Sango!"

"Kagome, please," Sango begged. "Don't do this to yourself. You were doing so good!" Kagome said nothing. "That's it!" Sango stood, throwing off her coat and pulling down her hair. "Go get in the shower, now," she ordered. "You're coming out tonight."

"Sango, please."

Sango squeezed her eyes shut. "No, Kagome. You're going. Get in the shower. Now. Rin will be here in any minute. When she gets here, I'll tell her we lost track of time or something. Just please, you need this."

"I ca-"

"Kagome." Sango said through her teeth, turning away and putting a hand to her head. Kagome stood without another word. She left the room quietly, her heart wrenching at the sound of Sango's muted sobs.


End file.
